Will to Survive by joinmeonthemoon

It has been six minutes since I swallowed all of the pills. My head is pounding, my throat feels tight, I'm tired, and I feel like I need to get sick. I look in the mirror and see how dilated my eyes are. I am starting to worry. It is time to go now. I cannot stay awake, my eyes feel too heavy. Goodbye Bill, goodbye Bridget, goodbye Lindsey, and goodbye Dad.
Dad was sick in the hospital, so we did not get to spend much time together. It seemed like he always had something to complain about. He would isolate himself from everyone. Maybe he was mad at the world; maybe it was me he was mad at.
My best friend Laura in ninth grade invited me to stay the night with her at her aunt’s house. We played games and watched TV. The next day her uncle Bill asked if I could stay another night because he and his wife, Bridget, wanted to go out to a late movie and needed someone to baby-sit their five year old daughter, Lindsey. That night Lindsey and I did a lot of coloring, made some

supper, and watched “Blues Clues” over and over before putting her to sleep. I called my Dad to tell him how my day went. He held such apathy for me.
Now that Dad was in the hospital in Maine and Mom was back in Boston with her new boyfriend, the prospects of them caring were slim to none. I felt like nobody cared except Bill and Bridget. Laura became too busy to hang out with me, when really it was because she got a new boyfriend. I started staying over at Bill and Bridget’s more and more and was there for extensive periods of time. I could not help but feel so happy, I finally found a family. I had this family feeling back, something I never wanted to let go of.
I started staying over their house so much that they told me to call them Uncle Bill and Aunt Bridget. Dad was still sick in the hospital, and to be blunt I did not care. I was having too much fun with Uncle Bill, Aunt Bridget, and Lindsey. School was starting to get harder so Aunt Bridget helped me. I felt like I was on top of the world. I earned A+’s in all my classes. I was so proud of myself. A little part of me wished Dad was too.
Uncle Bill gave me a hug and said he loved me before I went to bed that night. I felt weird. This hug did not feel like the others. As time went on, he helped me see that I do not need anyone but him. I could not sleep much so I stayed up watching TV, even on school nights. He said school only does so much, and it was time with him that mattered. Yet another weird hug. He told me it was getting late. I went into the bathroom and when I was coming out I put my hand on the light to shut it off, but he put his hand over mine. I thought he needed the bathroom, so I was unsure why he wanted the light off. I asked him if I could get by him and he told me to lie down. I was going to but I needed to get out of the bathroom and that is what I told him. I soon found out that that is not what he meant. Uncle Bill wanted me to lie on the bathroom floor with the lights off, but for what reason? Uncle Bill pushed me down onto the Bathroom floor, hitting my head on the sink. I was trying to rationalize with myself that it was an accident but he used too much pressure. “What are you…” I tried to say but he cut me off by putting his hand over my mouth.
I tried to reach for something accessible to my reach. I loved Uncle Bill and could not hurt him. I felt the cold bathroom tile against my now naked body. My pants were wrapped around my eyes like a blindfold. I started to cry but he said only weak people cry. I tried not to, I really did, but his heavy forty year old body on my fourteen year old body was too much to handle. I began to cry and felt my tears gently rolling down my cheek hitting my cut lip from where I hit my head on the sink. It stings and I could not help but cry more.
I thought Uncle Bill loved me! He took care of me, helped me with my homework, let me sleep on the good couch, and made me feel welcome. I wondered if I said something wrong. I always heard on the news about this happening, but Bill was too nice to be like those other creeps. How can someone be so nice and simultaneously be so sadistic? After it was over he made me wash
my clothes and shower for two hours. That night I went to bed scared, shaking, and wanting to be somewhere else. The house I felt the most comfortable in, is now the house I want to be away from. All morning Uncle Bill kept looking at me. He would smile and it made me feel dirty, like I needed to get out of my own skin. I wonder if Aunt Bridget knows. It has now been eleven months after what happened, whatever it was. I have kept track of how many times it has happened, forty-three times. I can predict what time it will happen, the severity, and what I need to do. I close my eyes and pretend I am in the wallpaper looking at myself letting me know that it will be okay.
In school they teach us to run to an adult when you need help. What do you do when your foundation breaks and the adult you run to is the adult you need to be running from? Tonight I realized something. I realized I am broken and do not feel the love I use to. I feel alone, scared, dirty, and broken. I have had broken bones each month and am usually covered in black and blue. I wish someone could help. How can my teachers or even Aunt Bridget not see this? Late at night while everyone was sleeping and I could get away, I went to the hospital because my belly hurt. I then heard the scariest news I have ever heard. “You are pregnant”. I left as soon as I was alone in the hospital room. I came back "home" and took three bottles of Seroquel to end this pain.
No! Screw this! I changed my mind. I am not going to do this shit. I called 911 and was rushed to the hospital where I had my stomach pumped, drank
some awful charcoal and was on a heart monitor for six days. They did some tests and found out I lost my baby. I may have not had my baby for any length of time but I still felt some sort of connection. I lost my baby who was created by a monster but I will not lose myself. I can do this with or without help. I have the will to survive, this is all I need.